5-12-2023 7:40pm

Perspectives - A regular weekend feature

Dear Lily,

What are the consequences of setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others?

If your expectations of yourself are unrealistic the most obvious consequence is disappointment and a feeling of failure, and you ‘ll likely beat yourself up a bit (Or a lot.)

When you have expectations of others, then you might want to examine yourself very closely. Are your expectations out of reach? Are they healthy? Are they fair? Are the others involved in agreement with your expectations? Are you in a position of power? Do their skill-sets, and the general climate warrant your level of expectation? And saving the best for last, do you hold yourself to the same standard?

To illustrate, I would expect a 13 year old is capable of helping with household chores and younger siblings, keeping their room tidy and managing their school responsibilities. I also know that children develop at different rates in different areas, so I would consider it my responsibility to support, lead and teach them. (For the record, I wish I’d been better at all this myself when my kids were young!)

Having said all that, I think we should replace the word ‘expectation’ with ‘vision’. Whether it’s at home or at the office, a clear vision shared with all the members of the team makes it easier to get everyone on board. Here are a few examples of how this might apply:

- I have a vision of an orderly, peaceful and joyful home where every member of the family takes responsibility for their space, and shares responsibility for communal space and activities.

- I have a vision of this company rising above all others, with competent and caring corporate leaders and staff, who all believe in a team win, who take pride in their work, and who value being in service.

- I have a vision for a relationship that is motivated by mutual desire for love, harmony and peace, where effort is respected, and both partners trust that the load is, over the course of time, evenly shared.

Assuming it’s any of your business to actually do this (you're the mom, dad, boss etc), create your vision, make a plan, share the plan, tweak whatever is necessary to get everyone to agree to the plan, then execute the plan. Changing the language to 'vision' rather than 'expectation' allows people to feel more confident in moving forward and aligning with the goals that have been set. If anyone is unable to keep up with the pack, then that can be dealt with one on one. What’s holding them back? Is there something they need help with? If they’re just not in the game, that also becomes very clear.

Just remember, the fact that you have expectations doesn’t make them realistic. But getting folks on board with a plan allows them to feel like participants in something bigger than themselves, and that's always a win.

*****

Got a question that needs a new pair of eyes? Send your query to: lily@domesnatureretreat.com

Liliane Pilot is a regular contributor to AlamogordoTownsNews.com and can be heard each Saturday on Krazy KALHRadio.org 95.1 FM streaming
at: https://station.voscast.com/5b01bba90dce3.

She is the co-owner of the Domes Nature Retreat: www.domesnatureretreat.com